But we really are just left speechless. And sometimes thoughtless. We know what we believe, and we aren't necessarily questioning God or anything, we are just left speechless. And so we are relying heavily on the Scriptures that people we love are sending us. That is where we are starting. So I want you to know that it is you that is holding us up right now. You are helping us on this journey.
So other than those Scriptures, I am also reading Keller's book called Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. This book is helping provide the track on which to walk right now. One day I will be able to walk on my own, but right now I need the track laid out before me.
Two images have risen from this book in the last week. One is that of water. Last November that song Oceans by Hillsong became very special to me. I listened to it over as I attempted to understand what God was doing as "He called me out upon the waters, the Great Unknown. " One of the images of suffering is being in deep waters. Psalm 69:1,2 says, "Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me." So this song naturally has been real special to me this time too. And of course, we just so happened to sing it at church on Sunday. I can barely get the words out when I sing it because it is that true to what we are walking through.
I remember being a kid playing in the ocean at the beach. My husband doesn't believe me when I tell him about playing in the waves because I barely get in now. But as a kid I remember going up against some of those really big waves. At the time, it didn't seem to scare me too much. I was a good swimmer. I knew what to do when a big wave came. I would just duck low into the wave and let the wave sweep over me. Sometimes though it came too fast before I was ready for it and it just slammed into me. I remember one specific time where it just rocked me. I remember not knowing which way was up, swallowing water, and being completely overtaken by the water. I eventually came up and was fine. But that feeling sticks with me. Losing Molly feels a lot like that. I just got plummeted by her death. I was not prepared and all of a sudden I found myself in these deep waters completely disoriented with where I was.
But Hebrews 6:19 says, "We have this sure and steadfast anchor of the soul." Right now, its hard to know which way is up and which way to walk. But I am clinging to that Anchor with all my might. He is with me in the waters, and yet He is not flailing about. He is the steady anchor in the middle of it. And if I cling to him, I will make it through. As I said in my first post, He is all I have. If I didn't have my faith in Christ, I don't know what I would be doing. Everything seems so empty without Christ. How do you begin to walk through devastating news like losing Molly without the Hope of Christ? He is a sure and steadfast anchor for my soul. He has called me to these deep waters, yes, but He has promised to be with me. And He has gone to the deepest waters of all, the cross, for me. There is no greater suffering than the cross. In light of that, my suffering seems so small. Don't get me wrong, losing Molly was a big deal, but not in comparison to the cross. I have to think He never meant for Molly to live with us. I have to think God sent Molly to do a great work in us. One that is not even close to being complete. Molly had a special task. God is using her to make us look more like Christ. I will elaborate more on that when I talk about the other image next time - Fire.
For now, here's a video of the song Oceans.
1 comment:
I can so relate to what you are writing...especially since I've been thinking so much about Andrew as his 5th birthday approaches in early August. It seems like so long ago, but yet like only yesterday. I'm so thankful for the scripture and the book you have to lean on- they were so helpful to me as I attempted to start walking again- one step at a time.
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