Monday I was blindsided with the news that we lost another child in pregnancy. We lost our little one at 21 weeks due to her umbilical cord not being properly attached to the placenta. We met our sweet Molly Grace at 7:21am on July 8th. It was a sacred time that Ed and I will hold dear until we meet her again in heaven.
Really I have been in a fog all week. I just couldn't believe it was all happening, again. It wasn't supposed to end this way.
As Ed says, I was in "Business Mode" Monday for the delivery. I don't think it really hit me till I got home from the hospital Tuesday night. I was just purely exhausted emotionally and physically.
Today has just been a day of either staring at the wall or doing something to keep my mind off things. Ed had to take care of some of the burial details, and thankfully he had some friends to go with him. He said it was incredibly hard and I'm sure that was an understatement.
We have so many people that love us that have made meals for us, played with our kids, offered to take our kids, prayed for us, made appointments and decisions for us at the cemetery and funeral home, and texted us Scripture. Most of these people are our church family. They are broken along with us, and are displaying the Body of Christ at work as in the New Testament. They are being the hands and feet of Christ, and it is just breath-taking.
Tonight, I am alone. My whole family is at Micah's baseball game, and I chose not to go because I wanted to be alone. But everything just slammed into me. And to be honest the grief is absolutely unbearable. I want her back. The very thing that was supposed to give her life failed her. And I don't understand why. I don't understand why my God who is the sustainer of life chose not to sustain her life. I don't understand why I have lost two babies in less than a year.
So how do you move on? You just do. One step by one step. Writing this is a step for me. It is part of the process of healing. Nothing will change the fact that I don't have Molly with me. And I hate every single ounce of that, but my God is a Healer. And He will heal my broken heart with Jesus. That is literally all I have right now. He's it. He's the answer. Nothing else.
"The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
4 comments:
Oh Katie, my heart is aching with you tonight...I am so, so sorry to read this. I just can't believe you are facing this loss and for a second time on top of that. I am really at a loss for words and so wish I was closer to help you in a tangible way, and yet, I know my prayers for you will not fall on deaf ears. The One who made you, you loves you, who knit your precious Molly Grace in your womb...He hears every word, cry or silent groan and will not leave you in your grief for a minute. I'm thinking of John 14:18 and praying this over you tonight..."I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you." I love you Katie, I am heartbroken with you and will continue to pray all the way from Minnesota to North Carolina...You are sowing tears that will not be wasted but I wish this was not the road marked out for you and Ed to walk. I'm so glad you shared your heart here, it helps me know how to love you and support you from afar. Standing with you before the throne tonight..."Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me." Psalm 138:7
Katie,
We love you and I do not understand the pain you all are going through, but will lift you up in the days ahead as the grief continues to pour out. What a sweet name and baby girl. I know that Molly's life will continue to impact those around you and will forever hold a place in the martin family. God is near the broken hearted and I pray that you can let Him comfort you in the days and months ahead. Love from the Shelton Family
I love you Katie. I have no encouraging words except that we are praying with you...We are hurting with you, friend.
Katie,
Larry just sent me your blog address, and I just read them. I, too, have had you ever so close to my heart and in my prayers over the last week. I still continue to lift you and your precious family to our King, praying for His nearness to be so tangible among you guys, and His peace to truly transcend the questions and heartache. I love you, sister, and am grieving with and for you guys. Love for all of Team Lyon.
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