First Week of School

This was our first week of Homeschool.  The kids were super excited to get started and so was I.  I'd say over all it was a great week, and already I am so glad we chose to do this.  Already I'm finding we just have more time to do things like play, run errands, play dates, and clean.  Although it is only the first week of school and I know there will be things we'll have to work through, I am so thankful for this calling.

We started Monday with a devotion from Daddy and prayed for our year.  This is where the sting of missing Molly hit me.  The whole time I was pregnant with her I just imagined her in our little bouncy seat sleeping as we did our school work.  It just didn't seem right to not have her here.  Like every other time, we remembered her, asked the Lord to comfort us, and continued on our day.

Every day went on without a lot of craziness, but one thing that surprised me was how tired the kids and I were.  I remembered the boys really having to adjust last year, but I thought that was because they got up so early and were at school all day.  But I think its also just the adjustment from going from no school work to having to think and do their work.  We were wiped.

We did all 5 days, even Haleigh.  It was fun to have her there for all of it.  Micah does some of her work with her so I can have some Caleb time.  It is so sweet to see Micah help her with her work.  And of course, she loves the attention.

This week has honestly been one of the best weeks since we lost Molly.  I feel like myself, school was fun, I got to spend great time with my kids, and I got to workout!  The biggest struggle I have is when I'm "doing well" is is it because I'm honestly doing well or because I am choosing to forget what we've walked through and not think on it.  I have found that one of my coping mechanisms is to just try and forget about it and pretend like things are normal.  Then when Molly comes up, it sidelines me for the day.  This is ok for a season, but I'd like to be at a place where I ask the Lord to comfort me when I need it.

It hurts, it just does.  And I can't change that.  There is nothing anyone can do or say to change what we are walking through.  So I am beginning to learn how to take that hurt to the Lord as I feel it.

We are all dealing with stuff.  All of us.  If we are honest with ourselves and others, we've all got that thing we'd just like to forget or not have to walk through.  For some of us its suffering in the way of our health, or a loss of someone we love, or a sin pattern we can't rise above, or a dissatisfaction with something in our life.  The Lord has promised to comfort and He does.  He has promised to be with us and He is.  He has promised us life and He'll give it if we take it.  On our own we can't do any of that.  Give it up.  Let loose your grip and let Him take control.  He knows way better than any of us.

Perspective

"The LORD my God lightens my darkness"

Psalm 18:28

It's been really hard for me to write recently, I guess mostly because I don't really know what to say.  I don't know how to answer the "How are you doing?" question.  Some days are good, some days are ok, and some days are bad.  It has been one month since we met and said goodbye to Molly.  In some ways it seems like an eternity.  It seems so long ago that I was pregnant.  I guess we've just been in this fog.  

I've realized something new this week though that I wanted to share with you.  A couple of different things I read pointed to the magnitude of the Lord.  Putting your pain in perspective with God.  If I don't do that, my grief and pain will grow and become bigger in perspective to anything else.  And then it becomes this massive pain that can't be topped.  So what happens is everything is seen through the filter of this pain.  Then enters in anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, and apathy.  All of these things are very normal to experience when you go through a loss, and you are not a crazy person to feel these things as you grieve.  However, if not careful, these things can consume you.  

If I put my grief and pain in perspective with God and who He is, then all things are seen through Him.  The Lord becomes the filter through which I see everything.  So my pain is seen through Him.  This puts things in the right perspective.  What I am finding is that now what enters is encouragement, motivation, joy, and faith.  Here's how this played out this morning...

This morning I read Psalm 18 which is a psalm of David that he wrote on the day when the Lord rescued him from his enemies and Saul.  So he had trouble pursuing him, and the Lord rescued him from that.  His trouble was different from the "trouble" I am experiencing now, but the truths still apply.  I started making notes on everything this psalm says about God.  Here are the highlights:

He is my rock

He is my fortress

He is my deliverer

He is my God

He is my rock (again in case I didn't get it the first time!)

He is my refuge

He is my shield

He is my salvation

He is my stronghold

He is worthy to be praised

His ways are perfect

His word is true

He lightens darkness

He is a shield for me

He equips me with strength

He is steadfast

He loves me

He is faithful to carry things to completion

When I read this, it reminds me that I am in His hands.  He has a plan for me, and that includes Sam and Molly.  He loves me and He will carry all things out to completion and ultimately, it is for my good.  He has promised to be near me.  All my troubles or trials are in His careful control.  All of your troubles or trials are in His control.  He will heal my heart with Himself.  It is the only way it will happen.  I will always miss Sam and Molly.  There will always be pain associated with the memory of them.  But I am so thankful it doesn't end there.   I can rest that they have been made perfect and are in heaven with Jesus.  They are being taken care of better than I could ever do.  And we will get to meet them one day when we too are made perfect in heaven.  This is the hope that I have.  This is the filter through which I am looking at our pain and grief.  This is the promise of God that puts all things into perspective.  If I didn't have God, oh, where would I be?!  Today I am so thankful for my God who has graciously and mercifully given me all these things!

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you will revive me"

Psalm 138:7a

Coping

It's been a while since I last posted.  We have been busy with our oldest son's baseball tournaments.  He is on an all-star team and has played in a few tournaments to get ready for the state tournament.  Honestly it has been nice to go to the tournaments and get lost in baseball for a time.

We also were busy preparing to go away on vacation for a week, so we were playing catch up with work, bills, etc.  When you have something that stops your world, the hard thing is the world doesn't stop.  It keeps going.  Life is just moving on without us, and sometimes it is just so hard to keep up.

With all the busyness and stress and grief, I found myself struggling with anxiety.  I have never struggled with it to this degree before.  Honestly, it scares me because I am a control freak.  I like to have things fit nice and neatly in my box.  And anxiety doesn't fit in that box.  But I am learning that there really isn't a box anymore.  God is and has been in the process of demolishing my little box.  In some ways its freeing, and in others its frightening.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever, 

for the LORD God is an everlasting rock."  

Isaiah 26:3-4

Each day is a part of the process.  Each day is new.  Some days are better than others.  I'm trying to rest in His grace.  His Word is the balm I need on my wounds.  But I will be honest, it doesn't always soothe the wound.  However, I believe it is truth and just what I need.  So I am committing to reading and praying the Word whether I feel like it or not.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, 

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

"You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high, I cannot attain it."  

Psalm 139:5-6

Fire

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.  

For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."  Isaiah 43: 1-3

Last time I talked about the image of water.  Today, the other image I wanted to share about is fire.  Keller talks in his book about how "adversity is like a fire that, rather than destroying you, can refine, strengthen, and beautify you."  

Fire purifies.  Yes, it can also destroy if you are not careful.  But when used by a careful meticulous Creator, He promises it will not consume you.  As I've considered this the past couple of days, I've realized that there is a refinement that can happen in suffering.  Sure, we all want happy healthy lives.  We don't want anything bad to happen, ever.  But that is not life.  There will always be "something bad" happening to someone.  And when you are a follower of God, He uses it for our good.  

The purpose of the fire is to get out the impurities.  Keller shares about how gold, a precious metal, if put through the fire will soften or melt, but it will not "kindle and go to ashes."  However, if put through the fire, it will burn off the impurities.  So while the fire may try to destroy it, it will only in a sense make it more pure and beautiful.

So in this season for us, this "fire" we are going through, is to refine us.  The purpose of this fire is to get out the impurities and to make us look more like Christ.  It will do things in us that can only come out of suffering.  I've come to realize this is not a punishment from the Lord.  Instead, I'm beginning to see it as a privilege.  A time where the Lord wants to pull me in close and "work" on me.  Why?  So I can look more like Him and serve Him better.  And so the question is, do I trust him?  Do I believe that this is ultimately for my good?  It has taken me a long time to get here, but I think the answer is yes.

God gave us Molly to refine us.  All of our children have in a sense refined us in one way or another.  But it is sweet for me to think about how God specifically chose Molly to refine us in a special way.  The Lord wants to do something great in us and He is using her to do just that.  Our little Molly was given to us by God to refine Ed and I.  To make us look more like Christ.  

This was her task.  The Lord, before the world began, knew He would create Molly and send her on a mission to help accomplish His work.  Molly was being used by God in her life, but even more so in her death.  

That's what all of our suffering is.  It's purpose is to draw us closer to the One who made us and ultimately went through the greatest furnace for us.  Its what we do with that time.  Do we ignore God and try to walk through it on our own giving ourselves empty mantras to live by?  Or do we embrace the One who made us and knows way more than we ever could, and realize maybe it's time to listen to Him?  If we listen to Him, we understand Him better.  We even get a very small glimpse of what He went through for us on the cross, the greatest suffering there is.  

I choose to know Him more.  I have no idea what the future holds for the Martins.  But I know that right now, I am clinging to Him.  Probably more than I ever have in my life.  His words are my very breathe right now.  They are so precious to me.  I know He is working on me, getting the impurities out.  Not to make me look awesome, ha!  But to use me for His glory.  To Him be the Glory!  

Water

You know, to be honest, Ed and I are still left pretty shocked by everything that has happen just a week ago.  A week ago today, I went in for a routine dr. visit and found out that Molly's heart was no longer beating.  It was all too familiar as I went through the same thing just months ago last November with our 4th child.  (We affectionately call that little baby "Sam".  We don't know if it was a little boy or girl, but Micah insists on naming that baby "Sam".  So that's what we call him/her.)  

But we really are just left speechless.  And sometimes thoughtless.  We know what we believe, and we aren't necessarily questioning God or anything, we are just left speechless.  And so we are relying heavily on the Scriptures that people we love are sending us.  That is where we are starting.  So I want you to know that it is you that is holding us up right now.  You are helping us on this journey.

So other than those Scriptures, I am also reading Keller's book called Walking with God through Pain and Suffering.  This book is helping provide the track on which to walk right now.  One day I will be able to walk on my own, but right now I need the track laid out before me.  

Two images have risen from this book in the last week.  One is that of water.  Last November that song Oceans by Hillsong became very special to me.  I listened to it over as I attempted to understand what God was doing as "He called me out upon the waters, the Great Unknown. "  One of the images of suffering is being in deep waters.  Psalm 69:1,2 says, "Save me, O God!  For the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me."  So this song naturally has been real special to me this time too.  And of course, we just so happened to sing it at church on Sunday.  I can barely get the words out when I sing it because it is that true to what we are walking through.   

I remember being a kid playing in the ocean at the beach.  My husband doesn't believe me when I tell him about playing in the waves because I barely get in now.  But as a kid I remember going up against some of those really big waves.  At the time, it didn't seem to scare me too much.  I was a good swimmer.  I knew what to do when a big wave came.  I would just duck low into the wave and let the wave sweep over me.  Sometimes though it came too fast before I was ready for it and it just slammed into me.  I remember one specific time where it just rocked me.  I remember not knowing which way was up, swallowing water, and being completely overtaken by the water.  I eventually came up and was fine.  But that feeling sticks with me.  Losing Molly feels a lot like that.  I just got plummeted by her death.  I was not prepared and all of a sudden I found myself in these deep waters completely disoriented with where I was.  

But Hebrews 6:19 says, "We have this sure and steadfast anchor of the soul."  Right now, its hard to know which way is up and which way to walk.  But I am clinging to that Anchor with all my might.  He is with me in the waters, and yet He is not flailing about.  He is the steady anchor in the middle of it.  And if I cling to him, I will make it through.  As I said in my first post, He is all I have.  If I didn't have my faith in Christ, I don't know what I would be doing.  Everything seems so empty without Christ.  How do you begin to walk through devastating news like losing Molly without the Hope of Christ?  He is a sure and steadfast anchor for my soul.  He has called me to these deep waters, yes, but He has promised to be with me.  And He has gone to the deepest waters of all, the cross, for me.  There is no greater suffering than the cross.  In light of that, my suffering seems so small.  Don't get me wrong, losing Molly was a big deal, but not in comparison to the cross.  I have to think He never meant for Molly to live with us.  I have to think God sent Molly to do a great work in us.  One that is not even close to being complete.  Molly had a special task.  God is using her to make us look more like Christ.  I will elaborate more on that when I talk about the other image next time - Fire.

For now, here's a video of the song Oceans.  

Molly Grace

Just seeing her name brings a smile to my face.  It is just so beautiful, just like her.  Her burial was today.  We chose not to have a service right now, we'll do that later.  Ed and our pastor, Brian, just went for the burial.  Ed just said, as her daddy, he needed to be there.  I am so thankful for the strength of my man.  He has really had it hard this week.

In honor of my little girl, I wanted to tell you a little about her.

We chose "Molly" because we liked it, but more importantly, it was what Haleigh wanted to name her.  And as her sister, we wanted to give her that honor.  Having two sisters myself, it absolutely breaks my heart that Haleigh won't get to meet her sister here.  They won't get to share a room, or clothes, or fight, or snuggle.  It's just heart wrenching, isn't it?

We chose "Grace" for many reasons.  I mean I could go on and on.  But grace is undeserved favor or getting something/someone/anything you don't deserve.  After losing our little one last November, I decided that this pregnancy I would choose to see this as a blessing.  Without knowing the outcome, the mere fact that I got to carry another of God's creations was a gift.  Week after week, it was a little celebration that we made it that far.  It was a grace.  Week after week, grace after grace.  When she was 11 weeks, she was the size of a lime.  So Ed took all of us out to a Mexican place here called Lime, just to celebrate her being alive 11 weeks.  Then I started feeling her kick, and boy did she kick!  Then a couple of weeks later, Ed felt her.  And just last week, Caleb felt her kick.  Grace after grace.  Her little life was a blessing, a gift from God.

Tuesday, we got to spend the day with her in the hospital.  We got to touch her.  We got to hold her hand and feel her fingernails.  She had the longest little fingers.  We got to see her cute little feet.  The nurse did her footprints and gave us a little card with them on it.  We got to hold her and kiss her and tell her all about her siblings.  We said our goodbyes.  It was a sacred day.

So in the same way I started this pregnancy, I will end it with this.  She is a blessing, a gift.  A grace that none of us deserved.  Oh how I wish she was here!  I long for her more than anything.  But if I have to let go, I will choose to see her as a blessing.  Because my life would be so different, empty if I had not met her.

  Jesus, heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds.

Unbearable

Well I never thought I'd come back to blogging, but here I am.  I figured this is the best way to let those who love me in on how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  So here it goes...

Monday I was blindsided with the news that we lost another child in pregnancy.  We lost our little one at 21 weeks due to her umbilical cord not being properly attached to the placenta.  We met our sweet Molly Grace at 7:21am on July 8th.  It was a sacred time that Ed and I will hold dear until we meet her again in heaven.

Really I have been in a fog all week.  I just couldn't believe it was all happening, again.  It wasn't supposed to end this way.

As Ed says, I was in "Business Mode" Monday for the delivery.  I don't think it really hit me till I got home from the hospital Tuesday night.  I was just purely exhausted emotionally and physically.

Today has just been a day of either staring at the wall or doing something to keep my mind off things.  Ed had to take care of some of the burial details, and thankfully he had some friends to go with him.  He said it was incredibly hard and I'm sure that was an understatement.

We have so many people that love us that have made meals for us, played with our kids, offered to take our kids, prayed for us, made appointments and decisions for us at the cemetery and funeral home, and texted us Scripture.  Most of these people are our church family.  They are broken along with us, and are displaying the Body of Christ at work as in the New Testament.  They are being the hands and feet of Christ, and it is just breath-taking.

Tonight, I am alone.  My whole family is at Micah's baseball game, and I chose not to go because I wanted to be alone.  But everything just slammed into me.  And to be honest the grief is absolutely unbearable.  I want her back.  The very thing that was supposed to give her life failed her.  And I don't understand why.  I don't understand why my God who is the sustainer of life chose not to sustain her life.  I don't understand why I have lost two babies in less than a year.

So how do you move on?  You just do.  One step by one step.  Writing this is a step for me.  It is part of the process of healing.  Nothing will change the fact that I don't have Molly with me.  And I hate every single ounce of that, but my God is a Healer.  And He will heal my broken heart with Jesus.  That is literally all I have right now.  He's it.  He's the answer.  Nothing else.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17