Water

You know, to be honest, Ed and I are still left pretty shocked by everything that has happen just a week ago.  A week ago today, I went in for a routine dr. visit and found out that Molly's heart was no longer beating.  It was all too familiar as I went through the same thing just months ago last November with our 4th child.  (We affectionately call that little baby "Sam".  We don't know if it was a little boy or girl, but Micah insists on naming that baby "Sam".  So that's what we call him/her.)  

But we really are just left speechless.  And sometimes thoughtless.  We know what we believe, and we aren't necessarily questioning God or anything, we are just left speechless.  And so we are relying heavily on the Scriptures that people we love are sending us.  That is where we are starting.  So I want you to know that it is you that is holding us up right now.  You are helping us on this journey.

So other than those Scriptures, I am also reading Keller's book called Walking with God through Pain and Suffering.  This book is helping provide the track on which to walk right now.  One day I will be able to walk on my own, but right now I need the track laid out before me.  

Two images have risen from this book in the last week.  One is that of water.  Last November that song Oceans by Hillsong became very special to me.  I listened to it over as I attempted to understand what God was doing as "He called me out upon the waters, the Great Unknown. "  One of the images of suffering is being in deep waters.  Psalm 69:1,2 says, "Save me, O God!  For the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me."  So this song naturally has been real special to me this time too.  And of course, we just so happened to sing it at church on Sunday.  I can barely get the words out when I sing it because it is that true to what we are walking through.   

I remember being a kid playing in the ocean at the beach.  My husband doesn't believe me when I tell him about playing in the waves because I barely get in now.  But as a kid I remember going up against some of those really big waves.  At the time, it didn't seem to scare me too much.  I was a good swimmer.  I knew what to do when a big wave came.  I would just duck low into the wave and let the wave sweep over me.  Sometimes though it came too fast before I was ready for it and it just slammed into me.  I remember one specific time where it just rocked me.  I remember not knowing which way was up, swallowing water, and being completely overtaken by the water.  I eventually came up and was fine.  But that feeling sticks with me.  Losing Molly feels a lot like that.  I just got plummeted by her death.  I was not prepared and all of a sudden I found myself in these deep waters completely disoriented with where I was.  

But Hebrews 6:19 says, "We have this sure and steadfast anchor of the soul."  Right now, its hard to know which way is up and which way to walk.  But I am clinging to that Anchor with all my might.  He is with me in the waters, and yet He is not flailing about.  He is the steady anchor in the middle of it.  And if I cling to him, I will make it through.  As I said in my first post, He is all I have.  If I didn't have my faith in Christ, I don't know what I would be doing.  Everything seems so empty without Christ.  How do you begin to walk through devastating news like losing Molly without the Hope of Christ?  He is a sure and steadfast anchor for my soul.  He has called me to these deep waters, yes, but He has promised to be with me.  And He has gone to the deepest waters of all, the cross, for me.  There is no greater suffering than the cross.  In light of that, my suffering seems so small.  Don't get me wrong, losing Molly was a big deal, but not in comparison to the cross.  I have to think He never meant for Molly to live with us.  I have to think God sent Molly to do a great work in us.  One that is not even close to being complete.  Molly had a special task.  God is using her to make us look more like Christ.  I will elaborate more on that when I talk about the other image next time - Fire.

For now, here's a video of the song Oceans.  

Molly Grace

Just seeing her name brings a smile to my face.  It is just so beautiful, just like her.  Her burial was today.  We chose not to have a service right now, we'll do that later.  Ed and our pastor, Brian, just went for the burial.  Ed just said, as her daddy, he needed to be there.  I am so thankful for the strength of my man.  He has really had it hard this week.

In honor of my little girl, I wanted to tell you a little about her.

We chose "Molly" because we liked it, but more importantly, it was what Haleigh wanted to name her.  And as her sister, we wanted to give her that honor.  Having two sisters myself, it absolutely breaks my heart that Haleigh won't get to meet her sister here.  They won't get to share a room, or clothes, or fight, or snuggle.  It's just heart wrenching, isn't it?

We chose "Grace" for many reasons.  I mean I could go on and on.  But grace is undeserved favor or getting something/someone/anything you don't deserve.  After losing our little one last November, I decided that this pregnancy I would choose to see this as a blessing.  Without knowing the outcome, the mere fact that I got to carry another of God's creations was a gift.  Week after week, it was a little celebration that we made it that far.  It was a grace.  Week after week, grace after grace.  When she was 11 weeks, she was the size of a lime.  So Ed took all of us out to a Mexican place here called Lime, just to celebrate her being alive 11 weeks.  Then I started feeling her kick, and boy did she kick!  Then a couple of weeks later, Ed felt her.  And just last week, Caleb felt her kick.  Grace after grace.  Her little life was a blessing, a gift from God.

Tuesday, we got to spend the day with her in the hospital.  We got to touch her.  We got to hold her hand and feel her fingernails.  She had the longest little fingers.  We got to see her cute little feet.  The nurse did her footprints and gave us a little card with them on it.  We got to hold her and kiss her and tell her all about her siblings.  We said our goodbyes.  It was a sacred day.

So in the same way I started this pregnancy, I will end it with this.  She is a blessing, a gift.  A grace that none of us deserved.  Oh how I wish she was here!  I long for her more than anything.  But if I have to let go, I will choose to see her as a blessing.  Because my life would be so different, empty if I had not met her.

  Jesus, heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds.

Unbearable

Well I never thought I'd come back to blogging, but here I am.  I figured this is the best way to let those who love me in on how I'm doing and what I'm feeling.  So here it goes...

Monday I was blindsided with the news that we lost another child in pregnancy.  We lost our little one at 21 weeks due to her umbilical cord not being properly attached to the placenta.  We met our sweet Molly Grace at 7:21am on July 8th.  It was a sacred time that Ed and I will hold dear until we meet her again in heaven.

Really I have been in a fog all week.  I just couldn't believe it was all happening, again.  It wasn't supposed to end this way.

As Ed says, I was in "Business Mode" Monday for the delivery.  I don't think it really hit me till I got home from the hospital Tuesday night.  I was just purely exhausted emotionally and physically.

Today has just been a day of either staring at the wall or doing something to keep my mind off things.  Ed had to take care of some of the burial details, and thankfully he had some friends to go with him.  He said it was incredibly hard and I'm sure that was an understatement.

We have so many people that love us that have made meals for us, played with our kids, offered to take our kids, prayed for us, made appointments and decisions for us at the cemetery and funeral home, and texted us Scripture.  Most of these people are our church family.  They are broken along with us, and are displaying the Body of Christ at work as in the New Testament.  They are being the hands and feet of Christ, and it is just breath-taking.

Tonight, I am alone.  My whole family is at Micah's baseball game, and I chose not to go because I wanted to be alone.  But everything just slammed into me.  And to be honest the grief is absolutely unbearable.  I want her back.  The very thing that was supposed to give her life failed her.  And I don't understand why.  I don't understand why my God who is the sustainer of life chose not to sustain her life.  I don't understand why I have lost two babies in less than a year.

So how do you move on?  You just do.  One step by one step.  Writing this is a step for me.  It is part of the process of healing.  Nothing will change the fact that I don't have Molly with me.  And I hate every single ounce of that, but my God is a Healer.  And He will heal my broken heart with Jesus.  That is literally all I have right now.  He's it.  He's the answer.  Nothing else.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

My Sweet Girl

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what having a girl would be like.  Not only do I have a mini-me, but she is so much better.  All things girlie and pink and princessy and giggly and prissy have entered our world.  

Here are some of my favorite Haleigh-isms...

"Mommy, You're the prince.  I'm the princess.  Let's dance."

"Mommy, Let's talk and laugh at the same time."

"Call me pink kitty."  (As she crawls around like a little kitten.)

"I want to wear the sparkly shoes."  

"Caleb dance with me."

"Everybody clap your hands!"  "Everybody suck your thumb!"

"I love you like a princess."

"You're the best."

"Daddy, GET IN MY BED!"

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Girl!

just a few days old

1st birthday

2nd birthday

two months ago at my brother's wedding

Provided for

This year has been a long journey.  It will be one that will stick out as we look back on our lives.  We will never forget it.

It's been awesome at times and really difficult at times.  But the Lord has remained faithful.  He always has and always will.

We've had our moments of missing Richmond, missing family, missing friends and small group, missing familiarity, missing our old home, and stability in a job.  But over and over and over we have been reminded that it is the Lord that has brought us here.  Nothing else has.  Why else would we leave the familiar, comfortable, and stable things?

One of the ways the Lord has blessed us this year is our neighborhood.  We really like our house.  It gives us the space we need, in a really nice community.  The only complaint would be our lack of yard, which is becoming a bigger deal.  But its the people that is blowing me away.

I've always wanted to live in one of those communities where you know all your neighbors and the kids all play together.  We're getting close to that here.

Tonight Ed and I sat in our backyard with two couples who live on our street.  One couple bought smores stuff  and pretty much invited themselves over to use our firepit, and that kind of explains our relationship.  Our next door neighbors have become dear friends.  They are seminary people so obviously there was an instant connection.  We have shared meals and desserts, traded babysitting our kids for their dog, talked on our front porches, discussed ministry ideas and philosophies, and dreamed about new babies.

The other couple just moved in down the street and they too are believers.  We are just getting to know them, but really like them as well.

So as we sat outside in our backyard laughing and telling stories, I was just reminded of this gift the Lord has given us.

Micah has a friend that lives right behind us that goes to school with him.  So this is the first time he has had a friend in the neighborhood, and he loves it!

All this in a neighborhood I didn't think we'd be here for much more than a year.  But all of a sudden I'm finding I love the people here and it breaks my heart to leave.  We have no plans of leaving yet, but know it will be in our future.

Right now I am just full of thankfulness for my God who has so richly provided sweet friendships for us all.  He has not only provided for us financially, but with relationships that go deep.  These are a treasure to me, and leaves my heart full and so grateful.  We are truly provided for.

These Two

I've really been enjoying these two recently.  They are trouble when they are together.  They are both so expressive and emotional that it is usually either laughing or yelling or crying.  So even though they may be wearing me out, I'm treasuring my time with them.

It may have something to do with my oldest being in school, and I really miss him.  So I know my days are numbered having them around the house everyday, and well, there's a little bit of savoring going on.

This day they wanted to be twins, which sometimes I feel as if they are.

And I caught them in one of their "we are the best of friends" moments!  Giggles abound on these days.  Mostly Caleb making Haleigh laugh, as he does with all of us!

Progress